Bancuri, glume, întâmplări haioase

[dagosh88]

La ce se gandesc inginerii cand aud Amin. Aria minima

[oldtudorhand]

Sa inteleg ca esti la poli?!

[morpheusmaster]

) Si eu inteleg la fel ) bancuri d'astea circula p'acolo ...

[dagosh88]

Era chiar pus pe tabla bancul asta

[Kedy]

> Ce au in comun pasarica unei femei si o baterie de 9V ?
> Stii ca nu e bine..dar mai devreme sau mai tarziu tot pui limba....
>
> Pasarel si Pasarica, singuri, singurei, pe-o creanga in mijlocul
> padurii, romantism, vraja, etc,... Pasarel: Pasarico, o smecherie, ceva in
> seara asta?? Pasarica (tup, tup, mai incolo) : Cum mai Pasarel, pai asa ma
> stii tu? Pasarel (tup, tup catre ea) : Hai ma Pasarico, ne iubim si noi??
> Pasarica (tup, tup mai incolo) : Hai mai Pasarel ,fii solemn, nici nu ma
> gandesc! Pasarel (nervos, tup, tup langa ea) : Hai, lasa-ma cu texte
> d'astea! Pasarica tup,tup mai incolo si cade de pe creanga intr-o balta.
> MORALA: Cu cat e preludiul mai lung cu atat pasarica e mai uda
>

> Doua blonde fac nudism pe iarba verde.
> La un moment apare un taur. Blondele o iau la fuga. Dupa ce
> obosesc bine, cu taurul dupa ele, se opreste una si spune:
> -Mai bine fac un vitel decit un infarct.
>
> Un betiv sta la bar si scrie de zor cifre pe o bucata de
> hartie. Barmanul
> curios il intreaba ce face acolo:
> - Nevasta-mea tine o cura de slabire si mi-a spus ca pierde
> un kilogram pe
> saptamana.
> - Si?
> - Si daca sunt exacte cifrele, scap de ea in 18 luni!
>

[bluey]

Inca o incursiune in lingvistica feminina, de data asta in partea lexicala care se ocupa cu mediul casnic:
Sot- obiect deosebit de util care foloseste la urmatoarele operatiuni: dus gunoiul, varsat nervii, exersat corzile vocale, extras cont ; cand sotul nu isi indeplineste toate aceste indatoriri, numele obiectului se schimba instantaneu in “porc” sau “porcul ala de sot”, care este cu totul si cu totul alta mancare de peste.
Feon/aspirator- obiecte casnice cu o functie secundara foarte bine definita (uscat/curatat par de pe cap/pat ) dar cu scop principal total diferit; se foloseste numai si numai in timpul finalului unui film de actiune, meci de fotbal si orice alta emisiune gustata de obiectul sot si presteaza doua functii: acopera orice urma de sonor din mediul inconjurator inclusiv vocea care spune ” Femeie acu ti-ai gasit, exact cand explica ala misterul incasilor? ” si face ecranul televizorului sa fie plin de purici
Covor- obiect aparent inofensiv, bland-mangaietor de talpi, care se preschimba intr-o bestie fioroasa in preajma sarbatorilor; atunci se naste un monstru textil, cu catralioane de fire si tone de praf, pe care oboectul sot trebuie sa le curete folosind un fel de paleta, numita batator. Numele ii vine din motive evidente, aceasta unealta fiind la fel de avansata tehnologic ca bata ciobanului, avand acelasi mod de folosire, adica aplicarea unei batai crunte si prelungite nenorocitului de covor. Obiectul sot sta o zi intreaga afara, lovind cu sete, acoperit intr-un nor de praf, pana face bataturi si ii sangereaza urechile. Nimic nu aduce mai multe satisfactie sotiei, bucuria de pe chipul femeii cand se uita la aceasta operatiune fiind mult superioara celei suprinse in privirea ei cand urmareste trei vlajgani la bustul gol band Coca-cola
Sertar- loc magic in care dispar fara nici o urma toate chestiile folositoare zilnic si mai des sotului. Un fel de triunghiul Bermudelor din fiecare casa, in care sotia plaseaza strategic castile, cablurile de la PC, paleta de ping-pong si orice alte lucruri care ar putea aduce, doamne fereste, relaxare lui.
Bucatarie -loc unde sotia moderna isi consuma in liniste cafeaua.
Portofelul lui- obect din piele sau textila, dotat cu buzunarase, care contine fotografia ei si banii cuplului.
Portofelul ei- obect din piele sau textila, dotat cu buzunarase, care contine fotografia ei si banii ei.
Oglinda- obiect blestemat in care sotia se uita lung inainte sa puna o intrebare care nu are nici un raspuns corect ” M-am ingrasat?”. Daca sotul spune ” Da” imediat trece in categoria de”porc mizerabil”, daca spune “Nu” sigur nu e destul de convingator si trece in aceeasi categorie.
Sotie- obiectul cu o capacitate vocala deosebita, ce intruchipeaza blandetea si frumusetea pe pamant,fara de care dragostea, iubirea de semeni, compasiunea si sinuciderile nu ar exista.

[2fast4u_DK]

Bancuri cu dota si chuck norris

Chuck Norris can walk on Fissure.
Chuck Norris has Black Hole as passive.
Chuck Norris absorbs Finger of Death and shoots it out through his big toe.
Chuck Norris has a 100 % chance for multicast. With Aghanims its 200 %.
Chuck Norris can stop Reincarnation by ripping the cross out of the ground and snapping it in half.
Chuck Norris doesn't have Doom. He has Death!!
Chuck Norris makes his own Sentry wards out of grass, twigs, and index fingers. They have 12000 sight and can see into the next game.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Pudge has three arms.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Leshracs Soul is so Tormented.
Chuck Norris is neither Hero, Creep nor Ancient.
When Chuck Norris uses BKB he stays the same.
Attacking a unit with Frost Armor makes Chuck Norris move faster.
Chuck Norris can use Helm of the dominator on Enemy Heros
Chuck Norris doesn't visit the Secret Shop. The Secret Shop comes to him.
Chuck Norris comes with a Dagon 50 every game.
Chuck Norris can catch Tinkers Missiles and throw them back.
Chuck Norris gives Atropos Nightmares.
Chuck Norris can outrun Deathpulse and make it hit Necrolyte instead.
Chuck Norris can re-use Consumables.
Chuck Norris doesn't Timewalk. He is already there.
Chuck Norris is NOT an orb effect
Chuck Norris' power treads stack with boots of travel.
Chuck Norris eats the Frozen Throne like an ice cream.
Chuck Norris can dominate Roshan.
Chuck Norris made Tiny tiny.
Backdooring was outlawed after Chuck Norris repeatedly destroyed opponents healing fountains.
In older versions of DotA, Chuck Norris farmed wood.
Chuck Norris can break heroes bones, permanently slowing them and reducing their attack speed.
All images run away from Chuck Norris.
Invisibility stacks on Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris demanded that he be a hero in DotA. Icefrog turned him down, meaning that if Norris became a hero, its power would constantly cause the game to crash due to the overload. Icefrog is the only living creature who lived to tell the tale of the day he talked back at Chuck Norris.
6 divine rapiers gives you the Chuck Norris Orb.
Buriza is the name of Chuck Norris' hamster.
Chuck Norris gangs alone.
A public player who once called Chuck Norris a n00b was found dead the next morning, his screen had smashed his face in.
Chuck Norris is immune to your banlist.
Chuck Norris has 7 slots.
Chuck Norris shops in the opponents base.
Chuck Norris doesn't need WTF mode.
Chuck Norris is safelisted everywhere automatically, bots do not wish to make enemies with him.
Chuck Norris' refresher orbs refresh themselves.
If you leave Chuck Norris' game, you won't play DotA... ever again.
Chuck Norris can win DotA alone, without picking a hero
Chuck Norris can posess enemy's courier without them knowing. range is set to total map.
Chuck Norris can alternate his collision size, from lane blocking to zero collision.
Treant's forest watcher eye's will shut down at the sight of chuck norris. Weaver's shade's will turn visible due to fear! Wards are said to change position and hide in forests.
Chuck Norris once threw his sacred relic away. It's damage bonus was not enough.
Chuck Norris is the only one permitted to use godmode, as there is no known command to make him vulnerable!
Ultimate orb turns blue when in chuck norris' hands.
Chuck Norris can manipulate blinkdaggers, being able to reverse enemies blinkdirection. This way he doesn't need to chase down or throw trees as enemies will pop up right next to him.
Ironwood branch gives +100 stats to him. They also stack in his inventory to a total amount of unknown size.
Chuck Norris' blademails will work on ranged opponents to.
Chuck Norris can autospawn power ups.
Chuck Norris can hit tree/throne without killig towers.
Chuck Norris gets gold from each dying creep, even without last-hitting them.
Chuck Norris' splash damage effects the whole map, thats why he always has a team kill when creeping gnolls in the jungle.
Chuck Norris' bottle is always full.
If cast on Chuck Norris, rhasta's ulti-wards attack rhasta for being blasphemic.
Chuck Norris' inhuman powers drop on death, giving the player who picks 'em up a permanent aegis aura. Too bad he never dies... ever.
Chuck Norris' Tangos dont eat trees, they eat woods.
Chuck Norris can't use the Necronomicons, they would run away in fear!
Chuck Norris can deflect a Laguna Blade on an enemy with his fist!
Someone maphacked on Chuck Norris. His body was never found.
Chuck Norris can dodge assassinate!
Putting a Blink Dagger on Chuck Norris is like putting wheels on a bullet.
Chuck Norris has a 1-hour Chronosphere with 12000 AOE.
Chuck Norris leeches with spell damage.
Chuck Norris base MS ist 521.
Chuck Norris has a blink with 0 sec cd and 12000 range.
Illusions of Chuck Norris deal 100% dam.
Chuck Norris can pick a hero in -ar mode.
Chuck Norris gains gold if the fountain kills a creep.
Chuck Norris gains +50 to all stats every lvlup.
Chuck Norris hates Rikmaru. If he manages to get to lvl 6 before Chuck Norris hunts him down, he has a slight chance to escape from him. Too bad Chuck Norris has truesight.
Chuck Norris pulls Pugde next to him if he gets hooked.
Every time you get double damage Chuck Norris gets triple armor.
Every Hit Chuck Norris does is a lasthit.
Chuck Norris has 100% Evasion.
Chuck Norris can use all Spells with one hotkey.
Chuck Norris gets quantity discount at the secret shop.
After GODLIKE only comes CHUCKLIKE with an amount of 100 kills in a row.
Chuck Norris doesen't need boots of travel. If he wants to be somewhere every enemy unit at that place just teleports to him.
If Chuck Norris types -di and hits enter Warcraft III will throw an exception anytime cause the amount of kills doesen't fit into integer value anymore.
Chuck Norris uses Lone Druids' bear only as Chicken.
Chuck Norris doesen't need Banlist. No one will leave until Chuck Norris allows him to leave - even if game is over.
Chuck Norris uses The Frozen Throne only as Toilet.
Chuck Norris kills Krobelus by showing her his ghastly face.
Chuck Norris oneshots Ghostface-.
Chuck Norris died once ! ... Yeah, of course I'm joking.
Chuck Norris never did a kill. You just die with honour for his name, glory, and whatever.
Chuck Norris doesn't listen to you, he feels whatever you think before you even thought it.
Chuck Norris doesn't care about the Force, Force is for low skilled people.
Chuck Norris doesn't need Lothar's Edge ; he's already more invisible than the item could do.
Using Illusion rune with Chuck Norris, you just summon Jackie Chan.
Using Regeneration rune with Chuck Norris makes all players loose hp & mana, even friends.
Using Invisiblity rune with Chuck Norris makes him less invisible that he already is. Whatever, he can do everyting without loosing invisibility.
Using Haste rune with Chuck Norris makes him become so fast that the games just slow all players to -1337 MS.
Using Double Damage with Chuck Norris is fun, the only change is the light blue above his head.
Chuck Norris can remap the map and change the terrain just the way he wants, it's his first skill.
Chuck Norris has a counterspell on Darkness, he can turn day again, with a slower CD than NightStalker, it's his second skill.

[2fast4u_DK]

Chuck Norris doesn't need a third skill, because he already has all spells.
Chuck Norris only has ultimate skills.
Chuck Norris can toss himself.
Chuck Norris can impale with his fingers.
When Void uses Chronosphere, Chuck Norris hits harder, better, faster & stronger while Void is just stuck into his own Chronosphere.
When Spectre use his ulti, Chuck Norris is duplicated on every unit of the map.
You can't see Chuck Norris with TrueSight ; you can nearly picture him with w00tSight, which is actually not existing...
Chuck Norris can't bash you ! You already bashed yourself for him.
Chuck Norris is not an Intel Hero. He's neither an Agi nor Strengh hero. He's not even a hero. He's just...
When Chuck Norris fights Morphling, he just have fun doing surf on him.
Chuck Norris can use Moses to make a clear path through the map. It's more useful than Spectre's dagger.
Chuck Norris is the only ally of Roshan, because long time ago only Roshan survived Chuck' craziness.
Chuck Norris can make triple kill on 2v2.
Chuck Norris has 1337x Critical Strike
Chuck Norris deals an infinite amount of damage, twice!
Chuck Norris returns 10.000 damage
Chuck Norris can use Hand of Midas on other Heroes.
Once Chuck Norris did -random, the game crashed because there is no hero good enough for Chuck.
Chuck Norris can kill Roshan 3 @ lvl 1
Chuck Norris has 1000% life leech
Vitality booster grants Chuck Norris immortality, he is the Chosen One.
Once Chuck Norris did -weatherrain ;However, Chuck Norris wasn't anchor by the rain but the rain was Chuck Norrised.
Chuck Norris can kill Kael with 1 hit.
Chuck Norris can get a double kill in a 1v1 game.
Chuck Norris is able to eat the World Tree without Ancient Tango of Essifation!
Chuck Norris is able to eat Rooftrellen without Ancient Tango of Essifation!
Chuck Norris is a mobile Shop and healing Fountain.
Chuck Norris is able to destroy shops.
Chuck Norris has a 5000 Range Blink.
Chuck Norris has got a 100% Marksmanship and it works on heroes and buildings too.
Chuck Norris can refresh the Refresher Orb.
If Chuck Norris using Shapeshift, he transphorm into Chuck Norris 2.
Chuck Norris Global Silence is passive.
Chuck Norris can carry more then 5 Power Treads.
Chuck Norris got 100 Inventorys.
The Changelog doesnt change Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris change the Changelog.
Chuck Norris using Vendetta only for Invisiblity.
Chuck Norris can use Hunter in the Night at day.
Divine Rapier doesent drop on Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can destroy Taverns on beginning.
Chuck Norris is the guy in the Frozen Throne.
If you ban Chuck Norris in a clan match, he will ban you in return, rendering your team 1 player short. Forever.
Chuck Norris has haste,invisibilty,double damage,regen,illusion in his inventory.
You cant beat Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris will beat you!
Chuck Norris got a own Tavern: Roundhouse Tavern.
Chuck Norris can do a one hour Time Lapse.
Chuck Norris can catch Beastmaster's axes and throw them back at his face.
Chuck Norris has the ability to reset hero-levels.
Heart of Terrasque was originally intended to have the name Testicle of Chuck Norris.
Void became faceless after Chuck Norris tore it off with his bare hands.
Chuck Norris makes barbecued chicken out of Necro'lic, Viper and Destroyer

[Psycho]

apropo de chuck norris ..

stiri care e adresa de mail a directorului de la yahoo ??


yahoo @ chucknorris.com

[crs_TDI]

Un macelar vede in magazinul sau un caine cu o bancnota de 10$ si un bilet pe care scria "10 antricoate de miel, va rog". Amuzat de situatie ia banii, pune antricoatele intr-o punga, in gura cainelui si inchide repede magazinul.
Il urmareste pe caine si vede cum se opreste la culoarea verde a semaforului, se asigura in ambele sensuri traverseaza in statia de autobuz.
Cainele verifica lista cu orarul si se aseaza pe banca. Cand autobuzul apare, se uita sa verifice numarul autobuzului, apoi se urca.
Macelarul il urmeaza perplex. Dupa un timp, cainele se aseaza in fata, se pune pe labele din spate si apasa butonul 'stop', iar macelarul il urmeaza afara. Cainele alearga pana in fata unei case si lasa punga la intrare. Se intoarce pe alee, mai face o cursa si latra catre usa. Si latra. Si latra.
Nici un raspuns. Atunci sare pe perete, alearga in jurul gradinii, se bate cu capul de geam, sare si asteapta din nou la usa . Un tip masiv iese injurand si bombanind cainele. Macelarul incepe sa strige la tip 'ce faci mai? Cainele asta e un geniu....!!! Stapanul ii raspunde " geniu pe naiba... e a doua oara pe saptamana asta cand isi uita cheia”!

[KAY_]

Intr-o buna zi, la poarta raiului, un tip foarte ofticat …… Sfintu Petru il ia de-o parte: - Ce-i fiule, care e problema ? - Pai, nu se poate dom’le, uita-te la mine, am 35 de ani, sanatos, puternic, nu fumez, nu beau, nu sunt casatorit… seara ma culc linistit si dimineata ma trezesc mort, in ceruri? Trebuie sa fie o greseala ! - Mmmm, nu s-a mai intimplat pina acum, da, in fine, sa vedem … cum zici ca te cheama fiule ? - Manivela, Grigore Manivela… - Si ce meserie zici ca ai avut ? - Mecanic auto la Gold&Platin … - Aha, gata, uite, am gasit fisa ta… pai s-a lamurit fiule, uite, aici scrie ca ai murit de batrinete! - De batrinete ?!?? cum de batrinete ? - Pai da, ca am insumat orele de manopera din facturile tale, si a iesit ca ai peste 100 ani…

[Japo]

O femeie a apelat la un chirurg plastic sa-i reduca dimensiunile buzelor vaginale deoarece sunt prea mari si falfaitoare.
De rusine, a insistat ca operatia sa fie tinuta secreta, medicul fiind de acord.
Dupa operatie, trezindu-se din anestezie, a gasit 3 trandafiri asezati cu grija pe noptiera.
Indignata, si-a sunat imediat medicul:
- Parca v-am rugat sa nu spuneti nimanui despre operatia mea!
Medicul i-a spus ca a indeplinit intocmai dorinta ei de confidentialitate si ca primul trandafir e de la el:
- M-a intristat gandul ca treceti prin asta de una singura...
- Si al doilea trandafir?
- Al doilea trandafir e de la asistenta mea. Din simpatie, pentru ca si ea suferit aceasta procedura cu ceva timp in urma.
- Dar al treilea trandafir?
Al treilea e de la un domn de la sectia de arsi de deasupra. A vrut sa va multumeasca pentru noile lui urechi.

[CatalinM6]

Daca a mai fost...se poate sterge!

Ultima scrisoare (de divort):

Draga sotule,

Iti scriu aceasta scrisoare deoarece vreau sa te parasesc pentru
totdeauna. Am fost o sotie buna pentru tine (cred eu), timp de 7 ani si
nu am nimic sa imi reprosez.
Ultimele doua saptamani au fost iadul pe pamant. Seful tau m-a sunat sa
imi spuna ca ti-ai dat azi demisia, iar asta a fost picatura care a
umplut paharul. Saptamana trecuta, ai venit acasa si nu ai observat ca
mi-am aranjat parul si unghiile, ti-am gatit mancarea ta preferata si am
purtat chiar si o rochie de satin noua. Tu ai venit acasa si ai mancat
in 2 minute, apoi ai mers direct la somn, dupa ce te-ai uitat la meci.
Nu imi mai spui ca ma iubesti, nu ma mai atingi... Ori ma inseli, ori nu
ma mai iubesti, indiferent care din aceste doua lucruri s-au intamplat,
PLEC.

P.S. Daca incerci sa ma gasesti, mai bine renunta. FRATELE tau si cu
mine ne mutam impreuna in West Wirginia ! Sa ai o viata minunata !

Fosta ta sotie
*************************************************

Draga fosta sotie,

Interesanta scrisoarea ta. E adevarat ca am fost casatoriti timp de 7
ani, insa faptul ca "ai fost o sotie buna" e mult prea departe de adevar.
Vizionez meciuri atat de mult fiindca m-am cam saturat sa ma tot
cicalesti. Imi pare rau ca nu a mers. Ba da, am observat ca te-ai tuns
aproape zero saptamana trecuta, insa primul lucru care mi-a venit in
minte a fost: "Arati ca un barbat!"
Mama mi-a spus ca mai bine nu spun nimic decat sa spun ceva urat.
Cand mi-ai gatit "mancarea favorita", probabil ca m-ai confundat cu
fratele meu, fiindca eu nu mai mananc porc de 7 ani.
Am plecat direct la culcare dupa meci fiindca am vazut eticheta cu
pretul care atarna inca pe rochia ta de satin noua. M-am intrebat daca a
fost o coincidenta faptul ca fratele meu a imprumutat de la mine 50 $
dimineata, iar pretul rochiei tale de satin era 49.99$.
Dupa toate astea, inca te mai iubeam si simteam ca pot face ceva ca sa
mearga intre noi. Asa ca, atunci cand am descoperit ca am castigat la
loto 10 milioane de dolari, mi-am dat demisia si am cumparat pentru noi
doi 2 bilete in Jamaica. Dar cand am ajuns acasa, plecasesi.
Cred ca totul se intampla cu un motiv pe lumea asta. Sper ca ai viata pe
care ti-ai dorit-o mereu. Avocatul meu a spus ca, avand in vedere
scrisoarea pe care mi-ai lasat-o, nu vei vedea un cent de la mine. Asa
ca ai grija !

P.S. Nu stiu daca ti-am spus vreodata, insa Carl, fratele meu, a fost
inainte Carla. Sper ca asta nu e o problema pentru tine.

Cu bine,

Ex-sotul tau

[REPTYLE]

Un betiv care raspandea un miros ingrozitor de bautura ieftina
si care avea un sac si un ziar vechi se urca in autobuz
si se aseaza langa un preot cu un aspect foarte onorabil.
Apoi scoate din sac o sticla de bautura aproape goala
din care bea pana la ultima picatura,
dupa care incepe sa citeasca din ziar.
La un moment dat i se adreseaza preotului:
- Scuzati-ma, parinte, stiti cumva din ce motive
se ajunge la spondiloza?
- Desigur, raspunde preotul, care simtea o neplacere crescanda,
pe un ton de o politete rece si sarcastica.
Factorii care duc la spondiloza sunt: o viata dezordonata,
tovarasia unor femei de calitate indoielnica,
consumul exagerat de tutun si alcool,
betii care se termina cu nopti petrecute in bordeluri,
toate astea duc la spondiloza...
- Uuuaaauuu! N-as fi crezut niciodata... raspunde betivul
si se intoarce la ziarul sau.
Preotul, milos de felul lui, dupa ce se gandeste la cele spuse,
se adreseaza din nou betivului, de data asta
pe un ton bland si impaciuitor:
- Scuza-ma, n-am vrut sa te jignesc,
de cand suferi de spondiloza, fiule?
- Eu? Nu, parinte... eu niciodata n-am suferit de asa ceva,
tocmai am citit in ziar ca Papa are spondiloza.



Un ardelean care voia sa plece in Germania il intreaba pe un vecin de-al lui ce sa faca deoarece nu stie limba germana.
- Nu-i bai. Limba germana-i ca la noi, doar ca tre' sa vorbesti mai rar. Zis si facut.
Ajunge ardeleanul la Hamburg, intra intr-un bar si spune:
- Bu-na zi-ua!
- Bu-na - raspunde barmanul la fel de rar.
- Da-ti-mi si mi-e o be-re.
- Po-f-tim be-rea.
Dupa primele inghitituri ardeleanul spune:
- Eu su-nt de la Tu-r-da. Tu de un-de es-ti?
- To-t di-n Tu-r-da.
- Na... pai atunci de ce vorbim nemteste?

[NONE]

Intrati pe google si scrieti "Google Chuck Norris", apoi dati click pe "Ma simt norocos"